There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
