my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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