just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
