You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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