I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
