Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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