she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
