You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
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i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
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