Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
