I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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