You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
