pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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