i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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