So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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