I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
