My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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