Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
