Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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