Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
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Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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