i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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