I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
