At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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