Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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