I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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