the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
