I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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