is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
