I got chris browned last night
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
a search helicopter?!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
