im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
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Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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