Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
