I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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