My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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