so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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