it hurts more in the daytime
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
