Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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