dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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