I could make wine with my vomit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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