he shaved USA in his pubs
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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