Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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