Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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