when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
