I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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