Christians are straight up FREAKS
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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