I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
