Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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