If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
