Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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