The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
