I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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