My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
