All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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