I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
