Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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